Those of you who have read my article on resisting sexual temptation may have noticed that I left out any discussion of just where the line is between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, particularly with regard to private thoughts and fantasies. Are all sexual fantasies sin? Or is there a guideline or rule that tells me just how far I can go? Assuming that we agree that temptation is not sin, just how long can I let my thoughts linger in that direction before it stops being just temptation and becomes sin?
I ended up leaving that question out because, as I considered the topic, I realized that properly discussing it was going to take far too much space to fit within the context of that article. And as I worked through my thinking, I found that the scope of the question is far broader than just sex. Rather, it’s a question that needs to be asked in relation to every sin. Nevertheless, sexual temptation is where I’m starting in this article, so please bear with me until the end.
The most commonly quoted Scripture, with regard to sexual fantasies, is Matthew 5:27-28, in which Jesus says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” But when I take a moment to look at what the Scripture actually says, I’m not sure that this answers my question. Rather, it raises new questions. First of all, is Jesus is being literal here? If he is, then he’s not talking about fantasizing at all. Or is he, on the other hand, using “looks at” as a metaphor for fantasizing?
Theologian Dallas Willard, in his book The Divine Conspiracy1, understands Jesus to be speaking in this passage about a leering gaze, which he takes as evidence of an attitude that treats people as things to gratify one’s own desires. In his reading, the sin Jesus is talking about here is neither victimless nor even very private. But that still doesn’t answer my original question
And then, what exactly does looking at someone “lustfully” mean? Attraction and lust are not the same thing, at least in English. Where’s the line? And even assuming we resolve these questions, what’s the context here? All fantasies about all women? Is it still adultery if the woman I’m thinking about is my wife? But if that’s the case, how does it make sense to prohibit thinking about doing something that it would be perfectly fine for me to actually do? And what about an imaginary women? Can I commit heart adultery with somebody who doesn’t even exist? My original question, remember is where, exactly, to draw the line, so these are legitimate questions. But on top of everything else, I also have to ask about my own motive in examining this passage. Am I really seeking to understand what the Scripture says, or am I just looking for an excuse to do what I want?
Because I am not an expert in Biblical languages, I turned to the notes in my study Bible, and then consulted four different commentaries2. And as it turns out, there does seem to be a consensus that Jesus isn’t talking generally about fantasies here, but about coveting somebody else’s wife.
So does that mean that some fantasizing is okay? Not necessarily. Even if Matthew 5:27-28 doesn’t say anything specific about fantasies, that doesn’t automatically mean they’re not sin. That passage also doesn’t say anything about stealing, after all.
Let’s step back a bit. I’ve learned over the years that whenever the Bible doesn’t seem to give me a definitive answer, I should consider whether it’s telling me that I’m asking the wrong question. Maybe that’s what’s going on here.
And when I, finally, look more closely at my question, I see that whenever I ask where the line is, what I’m picturing in my mind is that my rights are on one side of the line, and God’s rights are on the other. My relationship with God in this scenario is adversarial; the more space he takes, the less I get. And that’s a problem, because a relationship based on mutual rights is different from a relationship of love. Love asks how much I can give. Rights define how much I’m allowed to take. If I’m thinking in terms of rights, then I truly do need to know where the line is, so I can get as close to it as possible without going over. After all, I don’t want to cheat myself out of something I have a right to! But when I try that, another dynamic appears, one that I think we’ve all experienced. Half the time, when I get very close to the line, I keep going and step right over it. The other half, I make a flying leap over it. Then, since I’m already over, I wallow in it for a while before going back and feeling guilty about it. And moving the line doesn’t help, because I’m still thinking about it in the same way – as a line between my rights and God’s.
The irony is that I don’t want to be God’s rival. I’m his son; I want to make him happy. More than that, I want to help build his kingdom, which is also to my benefit because I’m one of the heirs (Romans 8:16-17).
So, what if I alter my perspective on this? Instead of imagining God and I on opposite sides of the line, what if I picture us both on the same side? After all, it says in Scripture, “For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” (Colossians 1:13-14). In other words, I am with God in one kingdom, sin is in another.
Paul elaborates on this further in Romans:
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace. (Romans 6:8-14).
The picture in both these passages is of two kingdoms: In one kingdom, I have died in one, and in the other I have been raised to life. But if God has raised me from the dead, then I don’t owe him just a portion of my life, I owe him my life. All of it. As it is written, “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” (2 Corinthians 5:14-15)
From the perspective of two kingdom, it’s easy to see that, where the Scripture says “offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life” in Romans 6:1, it’s not talking about a one time offering, or even something that I renew ever now and again, when I think of it, but something that I need to do continuously. Something that comes out of my identity. I am a son of God. I get up in the morning a son of God. I love my wife as a son of God. I read books and I write and I make art as a son of God. And when I think about, well, anything, I’m thinking about it as a son of God. I live, or try to live, in continuous awareness of my Father’s love and guidance. Practicing the presence of God, in other words.
Framed this way, the answer to my original question is obvious. And moot. The line I shouldn’t cross is real, and not just in regard to sexual immorality, but with every kind of sin. But the truth is that I don’t need to pin down exactly where the line is. All I need to know is that the closer I get to God, the further I am from the line.
This sounds simple, but it requires a major change in my way of thinking (Romans 12:2). Sin is not my master anymore (Romans 6:14). That means I don’t have to keep track of where sin is; I just need to keep my focus on where God is. The line into sin is behind me; Jesus is in front of me. Amazing as it sounds, I can avoid falling into sin without even needing to know where the line is. To move toward Christ, in my thoughts, in my words, in my actions, is to move away from sin. Always. In every case, without exception. That’s all I actually need to know.
Frustratingly, I don’t automatically live this way, with my attention on Jesus as I continually try to get closer to him. But, as with everything else in life, I get better at it with practice. And if you ask me now where, exactly, the line between acceptable behavior and sin lies, I’ll say that I don’t care. I’m following Jesus, and he’s not going anywhere near that line.
- Willard, Dallas
1997 The Divine Conspiracy: Rediscovering Our Hidden Life in God. HarperCollins, Pymble, Australia. - If you’re interested, they are:
Bloomberg, Craig L.
1992 Matthew. The New American Commentary Vol. 22. B & H Publishing Group, Nashville.
Carson, D. A.
2010 Matthew. The Expositor’s Bible Commentary. Zondervan, Grand Rapids.
France, R. T.
2007 The Gospel of Matthew. The New International Commentary on the New Testament. William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, Grand Rapids.
Wilkins, Michael J.
2004 Matthew. The NIV Application Commentary. Zondervan, Grand Rapids.